Last week I had an encounter with a new friend. A male, a potential love interest. We met for lunch then a game of pool and seemed to really click. We texted throughout the week: fun banter, some thoughtful getting to know each other. It was nice, and I felt really hopeful.
Saturday night we went out again for dinner, had more great conversation, like we had pretty much continuously since meeting. After that he asked where we were going next, asked if I wanted to go to lover's lane (a joke). I suggested a bar for a drink, he agreed, so we went there.
We had discussed dating in general, online experiences. He was new to the whole thing, having recently gone through a divorce. There was a group of women sitting next to us and one of them was a bigger girl. I asked him if he had ever been attracted to a large woman, just expecting a yes or no answer, making conversation.
Instead, this is what I got, in as many words."No, I am very selective when choosing a partner. I have been with five women and they have all been short and thin, not anorexic, but thin. In fact, I don't think I can go there with someone unless they are built like that."
I'm not built like that. I am about 10 lbs overweight, on the verge of being HWP, healthy according to my doctor. Not thin. I looked at him and stated the obvious. He said, yes, he had been feeling that it wasn't going to work out between us for that reason. He said he was mad about it, that it was unfair, that he liked me so much and had been really excited about the possibility of things with me. However, his physical preference was still what it was and that was that. He affirmed repeatedly that I was a normal sized woman, that the "fault," if there was one, was his.
I told him I didn't like beards, anyway. Sour grapes, true, but I was willing to try. He was not.
He's bald, I told him that, too. He said,"But I can't help that."
I started to cry. As much for this particular situation as for sense that I'm not going to find a partner, not now, not ever. He and I were very compatible, on numerous levels, and within driving distance of each other. Those demographics alone were challenging. I looked for months to find him, maybe years. He knew that, and is facing his own set of demographic challenges. He cried a little bit too.
We made our way home, in his car. He told me over and over that I was great, that I was normal, to blame him, etc. He was a gentleman if that's possible. I asked him to please not do this again to anyone else. It felt awful because regardless of how many times he said I was fine, I knew I wasn't. I feel the fat jiggle on my arms. I see the lines and the jowls creeping. Every centimeter one farther away from love. Those are my fears. I know I'm more than this, of course, but his rejection tapped into those fears, that's all. Not reality, but feelings. Which seem very real about now.
I left this experience redetermined to lose weight and get enough money for plastic surgery. No matter how many times I yell about feminism I still want to look attractive. And I hate this, but I'm apparently allowing other people to influence my self image. In a negative way. And not even him, the real him who knows I'm fine the way I am, that I am built like a real woman, but the him who isn't the attracted to me wins. Because I'm a girl.
My last boyfriend loved my body, and I was heavier than now. Why don't I replay those messages?
